Anyone who knows me well understands that I am a terrible loser. It’s an awful quality- and I can definitely trace it back to childhood (playing snakes and ladders with Nana…poor Nana). If you’ve every gone bowling, played a board game or minigolf with me, you know that I am a huge baby when it comes to losing. It’s pathetic, but I HATE it. But, I have found something that I hate more than losing. I really, really strongly dislike doing things that I am not good at. I don’t say this to make you think that I am good at everything. Rather, I normally just don’t do things that I am bad at. It makes me feel so little, so lost and useless and it is very hard for me to have fun when I am totally unsure of what I am doing or where I am suppose to be, etc. I bring this up because this year I am playing in two sports leagues- two sports that I have NEVER played before. I am playing in an ultimate frisbee league and a soccer league and even writing about it makes me feel a little queazy. Don’t get me wrong, I love sports, teams, competition and all of that- but what I don’t like- it being a rookie. Last night we had our first frisbee game (we won 15-4, with one less player than the other team). It was fun to run around, except it was NOT fun to play with people who ALL SEEM TO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING!! I don’t mind taking direction- but the problem is, I didn’t understand where they were directing me to. For instance, on defense we were playing a zone (which I get) BUT then we were doing “the wedge” – WHAT THE HECK IS THE WEDGE?!?! Uggghhh. Also, because I am not that great there were a couple of times when a guys on our team would jump RIGHT in front of me to catch the frisbee. I am THAT girl. OH GOSH. (I am so exasperated 🙂 ) Now, I know that I am going to get better- slowly and I know that learning new skills is good for me. It’s humbling really. I’m reminded of how much value I get from the things I do. Not necessarily the things that I am. And while I understand this conceptually, on the field- I just feel lost. We’re supposed to make “cuts” to get open- and man, I suck. I just run around.
That’s frisbee- the sport that I am MORE comfortable with. On to soccer. This week we had a “warm up” for new players. It’s a time where everyone comes to scrimmage and then they evaluate all of the players- as to make the teams as fair as possible (there are 16 teams, so I have no idea how they do this). I am assuming that they look for the REALLY good players and the REALLY bad players. I, of course, fit into the really bad category. I did touch the ball a few times- the majority of the time I kicked it to the other team. Awesome. I have no idea where the midfielders stand?! Other than that they are somewhere in the middle. Oh goodness. My first game is next week. I am looking forward to meeting my team and getting comfortable with the people that I play with….AND telling them that our first game will be only the SECOND time in my life wearing shin pads.
So, that’s the story for today. I am fully 100% inadequate on my 2 sports teams. BUT- I have 4 months to get better- and I know I will. In the meantime, I am going to ask a lot of questions and try not to get upset when I do something wrong, or look lost, or don’t contribute at all. I wrote earlier about how sometimes my attitude is the only thing that I can control. Despite my lack of skill and the fact that I have just vented (and vented) about how bad I am- I am proud of myself that I am learning- trying something new. Maybe it will be like when I got my standard car- I was terrible in the beginning. Lauren and I took it for a little “drive” down my driveway in KW and I got freaked out and had to reverse- but I have NO idea how to reverse. I had to get out the manual- literally stuck in the driveway. But now, I don’t even think when I drive standard anymore. I am not afraid of traffic or hills or first gear. I am hoping that one day I won’t be scared of “the wedge” or playing “mid mid” (whatever the hell that is). But maybe if or when I conquer frisbee and soccer, I will be able to do something else that scares me, that I am bad at, and that reminds me that it’s about who I am, not how I perform.