An Open Letter to Michael Phelps

Dear Mike,

First I want to congratulate you on your epic quest for a gazillion golds. It’s great, really. And it’s really great that you are coming to terms with the fact that you’re the most decorated American Olympian EVER. Awesome. A little ego never killed anyone.
But listen Mike, you’re ruining my life a little. I have to rearrange all of my plans around your ridiculously late swim times. You and those Chinese toddlers on the gymnastics apparatuses are causing me to lose a lot of sleep.  And, as much as I appreciate your total dominance in the pool, where you race only YOUR world record time, not the other swimmers, I am starting to question if it’s really worth it. First off, you have more medals than us Canadians will probably (read:definitely) get all Olympics. It’s like rubbing salt in the wound. Secondly, as much as I appreciate your machine-like body, I am not sure it’s worth this little fascination we all have with you…
Mike, I know way too much about you- about your double jointed everything (I didn’t know there were joints in the chest?!), your freakishly long wing span, your flipper-like feet and paddle- like hands, how you wear to swim caps to avoid the drag of the goggle straps. Mike, you’re a good guy. It was really great how you let Crocker take your spot on the relay in Athens…heroic, Mike, really. And I am not going to lie, little stories about acts of kindness in sports generally make me like an athlete more- and you are no exception.
You and your ridiculously low swim- spandies and your twelve-pack abs are a little bit addicting, but  really, I am getting a little worried as I watch in hypnotic expectation for you to do your ritualistic triple arm swing before your race. And quite frankly, I know that your mother has sacrificed a lot for you but she reminds me of a televangelist… and I don’t really like televangelists (although I must say I was impressed when Kobe and LeBron showed up to cuddle with her). 
Listen, I am cheering for you- two more golds to go- but I gotta be honest and say that I am looking forward to getting my life back once it’s over- once I can pry my eyes of you cooling down in the warm up pool, watching 6 trainers massage your legs and bum, and counting the minutes till your next swim.  
You’re a bit like the 2007/8 Patriots Mike, I didn’t want to like you or cheer for you- but daaaaamn  watching you go for perfection in the pool is like crack.
*this pic is borrowed from: 2007/06/08/michael-phelps/ -and no, I do not subscribe to this website, I just searched google images ; )


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