i’ve been really tired lately. not sleepy tired, just tired. you know? and as much as it hurts a bit to say, its brought out all of my most UNfavourite things about myself. i’ve been more critical, more snappy, less happy. the funny thing is, is that this feeling of constant fatigue has come on rather sneakily. i didn’t even see it coming or recognize it. i WISH that i could blame this overwhelmed feeling on the fact that we’re getting married in less than two months, but its not that at all. granted, there are some “wedding-y” things that take up time, like pre-marital counseling for instance, but for the most part the culprit of my recent weariness is one thing and one thing only: busy-ness.
we are literally busy every night- usually until after 8 or 9 pm. i can’t remember the last time i thought to myself “what do i want to do today?”- don’t get me wrong, i love having people and events and being active, but i’m realizing that it might all just be a little too much. i fear that i have become that friend that is available to hangout between 8:45-8:55 om….and i can’t tell you the number of things i’ve been really meaning to do.
i’ve never been a fan of the idea of the 40 hour work week. that’s a whole-lotta-friggin-hours. i prefer the days of good ole’ university when a “full” course load meant 21 hours a week.
besides the fact that i have a number of people who are awaiting emails, phone calls, information from me, and the fact that i have had a pretty crappy attitude of late, perhaps the second worse part (i’ll get to the worst part in a minute) is that when i’m feeling so stretched like this, it becomes really easy for me to start seeing a distorted image of myself. i find myself MUCH quicker to link my value or worth to the amount of money i make, how appreciated i feel, how “good” i am at ___fill in the blank___. it’s unfortunate that i’ve had a couple of rough days to realize that i feel much better and i live much happier when i have time to think. to reflect. to remember who i am. who god is. what this life is all about. i need time like that. i need time to make dinner and think about having tea. i’m so tired of looking at “to do” lists and feeling like there is no bottom of the list. i want to say again that this really has nothing to do with the wedding–i have the best, most helpful and lovely friends in the world who have offered a gazillion times to help with wedding stuff–and i promise, even if there was NO wedding, i’d still be feeling a bit lost.
even having a chance to write this post is a small gift and has to happen as a trade off to something else— ie- wrinkly clean laundry that is screaming for a home. perhaps if i was less anal and more laid-back this busyness wouldn’t be so darn annoying. but the fact of the matter is, i love order and i AM anal. i think things in their places and lately something has had to give—and what i’ve lost is my quiet time, the time to feel restored and to be reminded of who i am and who god is.
As I alluded to above, the worst part has been my bad attitude– i’m grumpy about meetings that i normally wouldn’t mind having, but it’s just that ONE MORE THING… you know? i’m working on some priorities and trying to decide what things just aren’t going to make it. we have something after work EVERY night this week. it’s like we don’t believe in downtime–and while the idea of busyness is great, the reality sucks. i miss eating dinner at a table and washing dishes on the same day i use them.
in the meanwhile, as i figure out how to create more space in my world, i’m going to read anne lamott and henri nouwen and put the laundry away. i am going to undo my burnout– it’s SUMMER for crying out loud. it’s time to tan and read and go for long walks. i am going to reconsider the list of things, events and tasks that i “have to” do–because i bet with a bit of discretion, i can open up some time and space to b.r.e.a.t.h deeply. i am going to go and try to catch the moment and remember what it’s like to sunbathe in her glow.
this was a therapeutic rant.
and i want to apologize, but i am not going to because it’s my blog.
i think i just passive aggressively apologized. schwing!