I am notoriously indecisive. If you know me-or Matt- you’ll know he loooooves to talk about how terrible I am to grocery shop with…or do any shopping for that matter. It takes me forever to pick out shampoo and yogurt. I thought, until these past couple of weeks, that when it came to BIG decisions, I rocked. I picked two university degrees and a husband with absolute confidence. Pretty good, eh?
But now, here I am, with my self-imposed deadline looming (May 14) and I have NO idea what to do about school. None. I got my “financial” package in the mail today from York and I still feel just as conflicted as I did yesterday.
I am by NO MEANS complaining. I am thrilled to have a choice…but big life choices are hard. Choices that have lasting implications…and impact every single aspect of one’s life are a big deal…a heck of a lot harder than buying shampoo.
I know that some of my indecision is rooted in my insecurities. I keep questioning whether or not I’ve got everyone fooled. York seriously wants to fund MY research for four years? Am I a good enough writer? Could I really help a woman deliver a baby?
And then of course there are factors that I’ve never had to think about before. In four years I am going to be 30…and we might like to have some children. What would that look like? How would that work?
So, now I wait, knowing that I have sought wisdom from smart, grounded people who know me. I have been silent. I have listened for tugs on my heart….and still I am stumped. And as much as I’m starting to get a wee bit anxious, I still have this hope that I’m going to know. That I’ll feel a peace about whatever I decide…and that it will be a good decision.
In a world so full of noise and in a society where prayer is more like sitting on Santa’s knee, I feel more convinced than ever that in times like these, silence is the best remedy.
The yogis have it right when they tell us to focus on the breath….to focus on being present, rooted, and focused. That’s my plan…till next Friday, anyway.
Matt suggested that I flip a penny- and ask it questions, assigning yes and no to heads and tails. But the last time we did that we “figured out” that we’ll never be millionaires, billionaires, trillionaires. BUT we did find out that we’ll own a Dairy Queen Franchise. Fancy!
Clearly you can see why the “genie penny” coin flip is just a terrible idea.
Hopefully I’ll still have that sentiment next Friday!